There's this episode of New Girl where Jess and Nick (who are dating) engage in a friendly little rivalry over basketball.
Except it’s not friendly, and it’s not only about basketball.
Nick is from Chicago, and is a die-hard Bulls fan; Jess is not from Detroit and doesn't care about basketball, but she wants to build a relationship with Coach (another roommate), who is a huge Pistons fan, so she adopts the Pistons as her team and joins in when Coach razzes Nick for being a Bulls fan. Nick is perturbed by this, but he doesn’t really get upset about it until Jess tries to get in his bed while wearing a Pistons jersey. In a Lysistrata-like plot twist, Nick says that he is “turning off the sex tap” (that’s what he’s doing in the GIF) until Jess stops cheering for the Pistons.
Nick: I need you to get out of the bed. Jess, I need you to get out of there. I tried being cool about it, but it's not cool.
Jess: Really?
Nick: Really.
Jess: Nick, it's just basketball. Why are you taking this personally?
Nick: Because it's personal, Jess! That's my team. It's the city that I'm from. It's most of my relationship with my dad — R.I.P. by the way. Michael Jordan [was] the first man that taught me that I could love a man. And the Pistons are our rivals.
Yes, it’s silly, and yes, it’s juvenile. But for some, this kind of thing is very, very real.
It’s me. I’m some.
You may have noticed that Jonathan and I root (root root) for the Toronto Blue Jays and the Toronto Raptors. As such, certain teams are especially hated. This list of teams includes but is not limited to the Boston Red Sox, the Boston Celtics, the Brooklyn Nets, and the New York Yankees. (Let’s throw in the New England Patriots in there too because fuck the Patriots.) Sometimes these things are division-based, sometimes they are geography-based (which itself is sometimes how divisions get made), and sometimes they are history-based, but when they exist, they burrow deep and lay eggs. When I was on dating apps, I would swipe left or otherwise pass on anyone wearing Yankees or Red Sox paraphernalia and/or openly declared their fandom for either of those teams. I’m not saying I’m proud of this, but I’m not not saying that either.
Today, the Blue Jays announced that Don Mattingly was hired to be the team’s new bench coach (and, one would assume, a hedge against the three-year contract they just gave manager John Schneider, who just presided over the biggest choke job in Jays history). Mattingly was most recently the manager of the Miami Marlins (Florida if you’re nasty), and before that, the Los Angeles Dodgers, but before that he was a New York Yankee, and an iconic one at that, and while I am not young or stupid, there’s something about having an iconic Yankee in our dugout that gets my hackles up. I know that it’s absurd to worry that Mattingly might do anything to adversely affect the Jays out of loyalty to the Yankees, but when this idiot thought dropped into my brain earlier today, I was kind of happy about it.
My abject hatred for the Yankees connects me to a younger version of myself, a kid who didn’t have to think about rent, or bills, or a pandemic, or the fact that western democracy is cratering in real time. In other words, it soothes me.
Ideally we should define ourselves based on what we love and not on what we hate, but when it comes to sports, the most important things of the least important things, a little hate goes a long way.
— DJ
#danteexam
Frans Nielsen holds the record for career NHL goals by a Danish-born player. That record is likely to be eclipsed by the end of this season. Name either of the two Danish players who trail Nielsen in career goals.
Who is the only Tunisian-born player in NBA history?
Who is the only active Australian-born NFL player to be named to the Associated Press All-Pro Team? It occurred during his first season, when he was one of nine (!!!) rookies to make All-Pro that year.
Fernando Valenzuela is the all-time leader for many pitching stats, among Mexican-born pitchers — including wins, losses, starts, innings pitched, and runs surrendered. One pitcher is second to Fernandomania in all of those categories. Who is he?
Answers from last week’s issue
Only three active NFL players have made 10+ Pro Bowls. Of those three, only one is not a quarterback. Who is he?
In his 15-year career (all with the Patriots), wide receiver special teamer Matthew Slater (who is special, and especially good) has made 10 Pro Bowls. Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers are the other active players with 10+ Pro Bowl appearances.
From the 1980-81 NHL season to the 2000-2001 season, only four players led the league in scoring. Who is the only one of the four to never win a Stanley Cup?
During the lockout-shortened 1994-95 season, Eric Lindros tied for the league lead in scoring. The other league leaders during that time were Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, and Jaromír Jágr.
Only one of the last ten NBA Rookie of the Year winners hasn’t suited up for a regular season game this season. To whomst are we referring?
Michael Carter-Williams won the Rookie of the Year award in 2014, and last appeared in an NBA game in 2021 with the Magic.
Only five active pitchers have faced more than 10,000 batters at the Major League level. Of those five, only one has never won a Cy Young Award. Name him — if you dare.
Bonus question: how many of the five pitchers are currently free agents?
Adam Wainwright is the only one in this group who has never won a Cy Young. Of the five, three are currently free agents — Zack Greinke, Justin Verlander, and Clayton Kershaw. (The other pitcher is Max Scherzer.)
#postscript
There’s no In Memoriam section this week, but Oddball would like to extend its best wishes to Pittsburgh Penguins defender Kris Letang, who suffered a stroke on Monday and is out indefinitely.
Many thanks to Dante Exum for being named his name and to you for being named your name, unless your name is Bryce McKey, for organizing the Fyre Festival of basketball tournaments (and being an all-around bad guy).
Until next week, be the Ezequiel Carrera you wish to see in the world.
— DJ/JY